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I would have gone with the proximity mines, but that just sounds like a recipe for disaster
Or, two dildos. Now how do you protect yourself against a man with two dildos?
Oh yeah and I when I find lost little kids that are upset and crying and say "I don't know" when I ask what's their mom or dad's name, I will actually get an answer.
serious public humiliation :)
Of course I'd try to calmly talk to all of them first.
The best weapon to use in a mall cop situation is a needle infected with AIDS. With this needle, you could not only rule a mall, but a small village.
First, you would need to have a really good druggie friend with aids, or you would need to contract aids yourself. I would prefer you'd get a friend, but if necessary, you can visit you local DMV for directions to find the AIDS.
Once you have a needle with AIDS (or have contracted AIDS with the help of your local DMV), you can rule the mall with an iron fist.
Let's say you see some house mom at a your local Abercrombie and Fitch and she's like, stealing or talking some of the employees so they can't spray their gallon of perfume an hour. So you see this and your like, "Justice is not being served" and you run at her with this needle and she's like "LOL, I'm a mom" and you jump her with the needle. So you're totally on this Mom and you say "Do you value your life?!?!" and she's like "Oh my God, what are you doing?" and she's you're like "Serving justice to the community and my local A&F" and she's like "Ahhhh!"
Then the mall cop would say "Now you will receive us. We do not ask for your poor, or your hungry. We do not want your tired and sick. It is your corrupt we claim. It is your evil that will be sought by us. With every breath we shall hunt them down. Each day, we will spill their blood till it rains down from the skies. Do not kill, do not rape, do not steal, these are principles which every man of every faith can embrace. These are not polite suggestions, these are codes of behavior and those of you that ignore them will pay the dearest cost. There are varying degrees of evil, we urge you lesser forms of filth not to push the bounds and cross over, into true corruption, into our domain. For if you do, one day you will look behind you and you will see we three. And on that day, you will reap it. And we will send you to whatever god you wish."
Then she would be like, "Man, I love the Boondock Saints" and you would be like, "Yeah, but I'm still giving you aids" and she would be like, "NOOOOOOO!!!" and then I would think back to the last time I almost gave someone AIDS and totally scared everyone and they didn't do anything else because they saw me as the craziest SOB there, so I let her go to raise her kids.
And that's how I would be a Mall Cop.
The End
No one would mess with my mall if they knew the rhino riding security guard was on the job.