DISQUS

Dan · 5 months ago

Long story short, It turns out she wasn't a police officer and I'm a screamer when raped

oprah · 5 months ago

yea um, the donkey show got out of control and apparently audience participation is not appreciated. Then after the donkey, Zach stuck his dick in a hot tub jet.

yankeekilla04 · 5 months ago

hey mom? Yea, no need to worry but I may not be home for dinner. Let's just say my wedding was nice but the after party got a little messy.

RayL · 5 months ago

You know, we'd probably look a little less stupid if the phone were on the other side.

elpatro · 5 months ago

Local Police Department Launches "Bring a Criminal Home" Program, Loses Millions in Damages for Unwilling Participants

Bob Saget · 5 months ago

[while speaking on the phone] ...."apparently trying to do 'Hands-Across-America-2009' in a park with three registered sex offenders is frowned upon.."

adhoc · 5 months ago

I know it's a popular game show, but now is really not the time to be calling me as your Lifeline.

postprandial_sx · 5 months ago

"yes yes yo, you ever wonder if the waking godless wonderbra that whipped sugar in may would be out on a wednesday?"

Jay · 5 months ago

No I did NOT know Susan Boyle was a woman. Andy, found out the hard way; then spazzed out...

g4torturedsoul · 5 months ago

The sperm bank nurse misunderstood when they asked for helping hands....unfortunately Zach Galifianakas is ambidextrous.

Pete · 5 months ago

Yeah, the party's still on. Room 69, three girls, at least one Asian, a poodle, and plenty of Snasages. Forget about the doughnuts and handcuffs, I've got them covered.

daviedave47 · 5 months ago

"...forget this sh*t! Just get me GREEN LANTERN, and the hell out of these crappy , dime-a-dozen comedies!"

The Professional · 5 months ago

Look, Honey, I was drunk and they swore they were both women...Oh God, one of them's got a beard.

lynchy77 · 5 months ago

no...it wasn't the usual vegas trip. we caught a few shows and had a nice dinner...but i might need you to wire me some money.

Joshua Yates · 5 months ago

"Baby, I promise I'll never drink tequila and talk to bearded men again."

Larry · 5 months ago

"Yeah grandma, apparently "Gay 80's Cop Twister" is frowned upon at the DMV."

***

"I know right?!"

Steve · 5 months ago

Phil [speaking into phone]: "You say the CSI crew only shows up for murders?"

Phil [aside to Stu and Alan]: "Fuck, guys. It looks like someone's gotta die if we're gonna get any light bondage with that old blond chick that looks like a skeleton."

Darren Perleberg · 5 months ago

What it's like to be in trouble.

Chris · 5 months ago

"Dude, you will never guess who I am handcuffed to right now. You've seen Out Cold, right?..."

Lauren · 5 months ago

Zach Galifianakis: Between Two Cocks

Baby Eater · 5 months ago

Where are you dude, I said the elephant line started at 8:30!

FrankM · 5 months ago

Zach: "I dont want to be a buzzkill, guys, but I really think we are doing this twitter thing wrong"

Gregory Zuerblis · 5 months ago

HELLO!! HELLO OPERATOR!! What is this some kinda of cruel joke, this phone doesn't even work!!

GetYourFashOn · 5 months ago

"Sorry to keep bothering you but Alan needs to use the mens room again, and this doesn't count as my phone call does it?"

ssanford · 5 months ago

"Hello, Penthouse Forum, I have a story I'd like to share...but first how much do you pay if you publish it?"

James Whitbord · 5 months ago

Well the adoption did not go exactly as planned,but we're good.

adhoc · 5 months ago

Honey? Yeah it's me. Look, I think you might be on to something with that intervention thing.

Ushpa · 5 months ago

"Remember To Please Drink Responsibly."

Megan · 5 months ago

"Hey babe! Yeah, Vegas was great, but remember how I promised not to get in trouble? Well, about that..."

Alicia · 5 months ago

Gerald

tigrosupremo · 5 months ago

"I have to hang up now. My arms are getting tired."

tigrosupremo · 5 months ago

"Speaking... Actually, my cellular service is about the ONLY thing in my life that I'm happy with right now, please take me off of your list!"

LordStig · 5 months ago

"OK. We've got the handcuffs, peanut butter, and hamsters. What do we do now?"

Hooded_Justice1 · 5 months ago

That was not a Bar Mitzvah.

Matthew · 5 months ago

""yeah...he's here...as a matter of fact he's handcuffed to me"

Big K · 5 months ago

"Jagermeister: For the best night you'll NEVER remember."

Evan · 5 months ago

". . .I already told you, there were only three stalls there. . .Why should I know what that means?. . .Well, why can't you believe me?"

Jason Reneau · 5 months ago

Alright, look I told you this already we needed some milk for the baby and we.... What? We saw it on a movie. What movie? uh.... Guys whats that movie were Clive Owen is screwing Mother Teresa while he is killing all those guys? Oh! Shoot Em' Up, yeah did you see that one honey... Um, anyways so we propositioned this woman and she turned out to be a.... well she turned to actually be a hooker, but then her pimp came, and then well long story short we got drunk, Mike Tyson came to our room, someone left us a baby, like I already told you, and then by the grace of God we were arrested because Alan has an outstanding warrant in Wichita... What... I don't know what he did? Alan! Alan... What did you do in Wichita? He's zoned out honey, please can you hop in the car and come get us stop thinking about yourself leave the church and come and get us, please!!!! Hello, Hello! She hung up on me *sighs* I probably shouldn't of said that last part?

(Guys on bench stare and shakes heads in unison showing that he probably shouldn't of said that)

regina groppi · 5 months ago

ok ok I tell you everything he look like a man